No Exit
So while I have already published some G-isms, I realized I have not yet recounted The Terror-our trip to Ohio. My sister did an excellent pictoral documentary of our trip to Ohio-you can find it here. Note the fear on the children's faces.
I am NOT a photographer (most of the pics I post are taken by my sister) so I will document in words.
FRIDAY:
I knew it would start and end badly when my mother informed me she would be picking me up at 7AM. As the first day I had off in a while, and the beginning of a 10-day long "vacation," one might have THOUGHT that I would be entitled to sleep in on my first day. But no, my mother decided we needed to get an early start. So I grabbed my child and loaded in the Van of Doom. We were at Kelly's by 715.
715AM:
Multiple bathroom breaks. I think we get on the road by 8. I am driving. Unhappiness settles in.
(Aside here: None of the females in our family can read, write, concentrate, think or function while in the passenger seat of a car. We all get carsick. What does this mean? Either we all have to drive at the same time (not really possible) or one person drives while the others try to make conversation, not vomit, or both at the same time. Regardless, it is a chore.)
(Second aside: Since my parents have historically had no sense of direction, they purchased a Tom-Tom GPS unit. These things are the work of Satan. They bark directions out to you and yell at you if you are going the wrong way. They also notify you if you exceed the speed limit. And if you have a maternal unit in the car as well, you get incessant whining and nagging from both units. )
810AM: We must get she-beast, my sister, caffeine before she reveals her True Self Who Shall Not Be Named. McDonald's run.
811AM: Mom calls Dad to make sure he is still alive. Whines that he has never been alone by himself in 30something years. Teasing ensues.
815AM: We are on 340 West. Tom-Tom is telling me I am speeding and Mom is gleeful that she is notified of this. Glaring ensues from both fronts.
816AM: Baby vomits. 15 minutes spent on cleaning car and calming child.
820AM: I disclose that my doctor informed me that I am at risk for detached retinas (!). In other words, my eyes can pop out if I am whacked on the back of the head. Mother and Sister find this hysterical and proceed to threaten to whack me on the back of the head.
830AM-1030AM: Back on the road. I will soon discover that much coffee and I-68 (note to future self: there are NO RESTSTOPS on I-68!!!!) make for an unhappy Jameebladder. I become sullen and morose (no really-this is a change for me! Other passengers quiet.) Several hopeful, but wrong terms are made. This is truly Deliverance-country.
1030: Dadcheck-believe it or not, he is still alive.
1145AM: We stop at the McDonald's in Cumberland, MD, as this is the first sign of civilization in hours. Multiple bathroom stops. We bicker about who should drive. We change drivers. Desperation sets in and it has only been 3 hours.
We cross the border (into WVA?).
We cross the border again (into MD?).
We cross the border again (into WVA?). We have no idea where the hell we are. Tom-tom guides us, but we hate him.
Mom calls dad-still alive.
Meanwhile, the two eldest children begin to watch Peter Pan.
At some point we stop for lunch at a Cracker Barrel.
We continue on towards Ohio. Dread fills our hearts.
Mom calls dad-no answer. Mom pouts. (Turns out he had no signal. Whew! That was close!)
Mom discovers that she can change the warning alert that notifies her when one of her children-chauffeurs are speeding. She can do a nuclear warning sound. A chime. Or a cow's moo. What do you think she picks?
"Moo."
Children watch Peter Pan for a second time.
"Moo."
At some point near Zanesville, Ohio, we encounter a backup. An hour long backup. Due to flooding. I found this out only because I had my Blackberry on me. Apparently, the interstate had been shut down for almost 24 hours due to a lake spilling over. We look at awe at the water. We bitch at each other. We drive on.
Mom calls Dad-Surprise! Still alive.
4PM: We hit the nastiest rest stop ever. Because of the flooding (I think and hope!), only 2 stalls out of 6 are working. We wait in line in muddied floors. My child refuses to use the potty and throws a fit in front of everyone.
"Moo."
The battery on the children's DVD player begins to die. Dread fills our hearts.
"Moo."
Cincinnati. We are close now.
"Moo."
Mom calls Dad. Dad answers. Man never ceases to amaze.
7PM: We arrive at G's. According to evil Tom-Tom, we should have only taken 7 1/2 hours for our trip. The Tom-Tom exceeds in only reminding us that our insanity lengthens our madness.
We see G-she looks better than we expected. The children begin to promptly rip apart her house. She decides we should all go out for a steak dinner.
We check into our hotel at 9PM. Children are exhausted. Adults are exhausted. Baby is chipper and wide-awake. Fortunately, our heroine remembered to pack something alcoholic. Unfortunately, the fake wine-sangria she selected SUCKS. Adults try to get stoned on this nastiness while she to coerce smallest female into taking a nap.
Midnight -I check out.
(to be continued...)
I am NOT a photographer (most of the pics I post are taken by my sister) so I will document in words.
FRIDAY:
I knew it would start and end badly when my mother informed me she would be picking me up at 7AM. As the first day I had off in a while, and the beginning of a 10-day long "vacation," one might have THOUGHT that I would be entitled to sleep in on my first day. But no, my mother decided we needed to get an early start. So I grabbed my child and loaded in the Van of Doom. We were at Kelly's by 715.
715AM:
Multiple bathroom breaks. I think we get on the road by 8. I am driving. Unhappiness settles in.
(Aside here: None of the females in our family can read, write, concentrate, think or function while in the passenger seat of a car. We all get carsick. What does this mean? Either we all have to drive at the same time (not really possible) or one person drives while the others try to make conversation, not vomit, or both at the same time. Regardless, it is a chore.)
(Second aside: Since my parents have historically had no sense of direction, they purchased a Tom-Tom GPS unit. These things are the work of Satan. They bark directions out to you and yell at you if you are going the wrong way. They also notify you if you exceed the speed limit. And if you have a maternal unit in the car as well, you get incessant whining and nagging from both units. )
810AM: We must get she-beast, my sister, caffeine before she reveals her True Self Who Shall Not Be Named. McDonald's run.
811AM: Mom calls Dad to make sure he is still alive. Whines that he has never been alone by himself in 30something years. Teasing ensues.
815AM: We are on 340 West. Tom-Tom is telling me I am speeding and Mom is gleeful that she is notified of this. Glaring ensues from both fronts.
816AM: Baby vomits. 15 minutes spent on cleaning car and calming child.
820AM: I disclose that my doctor informed me that I am at risk for detached retinas (!). In other words, my eyes can pop out if I am whacked on the back of the head. Mother and Sister find this hysterical and proceed to threaten to whack me on the back of the head.
830AM-1030AM: Back on the road. I will soon discover that much coffee and I-68 (note to future self: there are NO RESTSTOPS on I-68!!!!
1030: Dadcheck-believe it or not, he is still alive.
1145AM: We stop at the McDonald's in Cumberland, MD, as this is the first sign of civilization in hours. Multiple bathroom stops. We bicker about who should drive. We change drivers. Desperation sets in and it has only been 3 hours.
We cross the border (into WVA?).
We cross the border again (into MD?).
We cross the border again (into WVA?). We have no idea where the hell we are. Tom-tom guides us, but we hate him.
Mom calls dad-still alive.
Meanwhile, the two eldest children begin to watch Peter Pan.
At some point we stop for lunch at a Cracker Barrel.
We continue on towards Ohio. Dread fills our hearts.
Mom calls dad-no answer. Mom pouts. (Turns out he had no signal. Whew! That was close!)
Mom discovers that she can change the warning alert that notifies her when one of her children-chauffeurs are speeding. She can do a nuclear warning sound. A chime. Or a cow's moo. What do you think she picks?
"Moo."
Children watch Peter Pan for a second time.
"Moo."
At some point near Zanesville, Ohio, we encounter a backup. An hour long backup. Due to flooding. I found this out only because I had my Blackberry on me. Apparently, the interstate had been shut down for almost 24 hours due to a lake spilling over. We look at awe at the water. We bitch at each other. We drive on.
Mom calls Dad-Surprise! Still alive.
4PM: We hit the nastiest rest stop ever. Because of the flooding (I think and hope!), only 2 stalls out of 6 are working. We wait in line in muddied floors. My child refuses to use the potty and throws a fit in front of everyone.
"Moo."
The battery on the children's DVD player begins to die. Dread fills our hearts.
"Moo."
Cincinnati. We are close now.
"Moo."
Mom calls Dad. Dad answers. Man never ceases to amaze.
7PM: We arrive at G's. According to evil Tom-Tom, we should have only taken 7 1/2 hours for our trip. The Tom-Tom exceeds in only reminding us that our insanity lengthens our madness.
We see G-she looks better than we expected. The children begin to promptly rip apart her house. She decides we should all go out for a steak dinner.
We check into our hotel at 9PM. Children are exhausted. Adults are exhausted. Baby is chipper and wide-awake. Fortunately, our heroine remembered to pack something alcoholic. Unfortunately, the fake wine-sangria she selected SUCKS. Adults try to get stoned on this nastiness while she to coerce smallest female into taking a nap.
Midnight -I check out.
(to be continued...)
posted by waltzingmathilda @ 11:27 PM
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