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Trip from Hell: Day 2

The human mind is a glorious thing. When something affects it negatively, truly hurts it, it does everything in its power to suppress the offensive memory, to protect the integrity of the rest of the grey matter.

In other words, this blog entry should be short because I have already forgotten most of what happened on this trip.

I wake up around 7AM. One thing about family trips is that you learn something new about your relatives. I learned that once my 6-year old niece awakens, she starts talking and doesn't stop. No really.

I didn't mind so much since I didn't sleep well the night before. I had to share the bed with the 2 year old who, surprisingly, doesn't kick, but did feel the need to (in her sleep?) roll over and kiss me every hour. Also, like her father, she seems to be not content unless her arm is resting on my forehead.

So I get up, take a shower. Learn that my father called at 630AM to check in. (Smart man-he learns to anticipate the crazy lady's phone calls). Awakens my sister who has already been awakened several times by her kid.

Breakfasts 1-17. Homewood Suites by Hilton offers a complimentary hot breakfast every morning, with items like cereals, sausages, eggs, pastries, bagels, juices, etc... An excellent value for a traveling group of six, right? Well, what this also means is that we make a multitude of breakfast runs. Go down stairs-get coffees. We need more coffees than we have hands for. Solution? Fill coffee pot in room. Downstairs. Get bagels. Downstairs. Oh no-burned a bagel. Get new bagel. And danishes for kids. Downstairs. No, got one cream cheese danish and one raspberry. They both NEED cheese danishes. Downstairs. Didn't get enough creamer. Downstairs. Grab bananas for trip. Downstairs.

So we get to G's by around 10AM. I start making room for G's suitcase.

G doesn't realize she is going anywhere. Didn't pack. Thought we were leaving tomorrow.

Get G's suitcase. Pack. Straighten out medicine. Lock up. Leave.

G sits quietly throughout most of the trip. We occasionally bicker. Tom-Tom occasionally "moos."

It has been cloudy and rainy all day. Around 3PM we are in West Virginia and trying to figure out if we can make it all the way. The nearest town is Morgantown, WVA-3 hours away from where my parents live, so we can probably make it. But G is obviously tired and the DVD player has given up the ghost from overuse. We search frantically for a hotel room in Morgantown and settle into a Hampton Inn in two rooms.

We have dinner. Adults order alcohol. G, back in the hotel room, accidentally orders 10,000 BC and some porno. She was looking for the Discovery Channel.

We search for additional liquor to "take the edge off." (how desperate does that sound?) Malibu and diet coke = yummy. We drink Malibu and watch Spongebob with the kids. It's tropical, dammit.

To bed. Uncomfortable pokiness and bad dreams. Slept for about an hour.

Wake up to the sound of Rory talking. Day 3 dawns. We still live...but for how long?

No Exit

So while I have already published some G-isms, I realized I have not yet recounted The Terror-our trip to Ohio. My sister did an excellent pictoral documentary of our trip to Ohio-you can find it here. Note the fear on the children's faces.

I am NOT a photographer (most of the pics I post are taken by my sister) so I will document in words.

FRIDAY:
I knew it would start and end badly when my mother informed me she would be picking me up at 7AM. As the first day I had off in a while, and the beginning of a 10-day long "vacation," one might have THOUGHT that I would be entitled to sleep in on my first day. But no, my mother decided we needed to get an early start. So I grabbed my child and loaded in the Van of Doom. We were at Kelly's by 715.

715AM:

Multiple bathroom breaks. I think we get on the road by 8. I am driving. Unhappiness settles in.

(Aside here: None of the females in our family can read, write, concentrate, think or function while in the passenger seat of a car. We all get carsick. What does this mean? Either we all have to drive at the same time (not really possible) or one person drives while the others try to make conversation, not vomit, or both at the same time. Regardless, it is a chore.)

(Second aside: Since my parents have historically had no sense of direction, they purchased a Tom-Tom GPS unit. These things are the work of Satan. They bark directions out to you and yell at you if you are going the wrong way. They also notify you if you exceed the speed limit. And if you have a maternal unit in the car as well, you get incessant whining and nagging from both units. )

810AM: We must get she-beast, my sister, caffeine before she reveals her True Self Who Shall Not Be Named. McDonald's run.

811AM: Mom calls Dad to make sure he is still alive. Whines that he has never been alone by himself in 30something years. Teasing ensues.

815AM: We are on 340 West. Tom-Tom is telling me I am speeding and Mom is gleeful that she is notified of this. Glaring ensues from both fronts.

816AM: Baby vomits. 15 minutes spent on cleaning car and calming child.

820AM: I disclose that my doctor informed me that I am at risk for detached retinas (!). In other words, my eyes can pop out if I am whacked on the back of the head. Mother and Sister find this hysterical and proceed to threaten to whack me on the back of the head.

830AM-1030AM: Back on the road. I will soon discover that much coffee and I-68 (note to future self: there are NO RESTSTOPS on I-68!!!! ) make for an unhappy Jameebladder. I become sullen and morose (no really-this is a change for me! Other passengers quiet.) Several hopeful, but wrong terms are made. This is truly Deliverance-country.

1030: Dadcheck-believe it or not, he is still alive.

1145AM: We stop at the McDonald's in Cumberland, MD, as this is the first sign of civilization in hours. Multiple bathroom stops. We bicker about who should drive. We change drivers. Desperation sets in and it has only been 3 hours.

We cross the border (into WVA?).

We cross the border again (into MD?).

We cross the border again (into WVA?). We have no idea where the hell we are. Tom-tom guides us, but we hate him.

Mom calls dad-still alive.

Meanwhile, the two eldest children begin to watch Peter Pan.

At some point we stop for lunch at a Cracker Barrel.

We continue on towards Ohio. Dread fills our hearts.

Mom calls dad-no answer. Mom pouts. (Turns out he had no signal. Whew! That was close!)

Mom discovers that she can change the warning alert that notifies her when one of her children-chauffeurs are speeding. She can do a nuclear warning sound. A chime. Or a cow's moo. What do you think she picks?

"Moo."

Children watch Peter Pan for a second time.

"Moo."

At some point near Zanesville, Ohio, we encounter a backup. An hour long backup. Due to flooding. I found this out only because I had my Blackberry on me. Apparently, the interstate had been shut down for almost 24 hours due to a lake spilling over. We look at awe at the water. We bitch at each other. We drive on.

Mom calls Dad-Surprise! Still alive.

4PM: We hit the nastiest rest stop ever. Because of the flooding (I think and hope!), only 2 stalls out of 6 are working. We wait in line in muddied floors. My child refuses to use the potty and throws a fit in front of everyone.

"Moo."

The battery on the children's DVD player begins to die. Dread fills our hearts.

"Moo."

Cincinnati. We are close now.

"Moo."

Mom calls Dad. Dad answers. Man never ceases to amaze.

7PM: We arrive at G's. According to evil Tom-Tom, we should have only taken 7 1/2 hours for our trip. The Tom-Tom exceeds in only reminding us that our insanity lengthens our madness.

We see G-she looks better than we expected. The children begin to promptly rip apart her house. She decides we should all go out for a steak dinner.

We check into our hotel at 9PM. Children are exhausted. Adults are exhausted. Baby is chipper and wide-awake. Fortunately, our heroine remembered to pack something alcoholic. Unfortunately, the fake wine-sangria she selected SUCKS. Adults try to get stoned on this nastiness while she to coerce smallest female into taking a nap.

Midnight -I check out.

(to be continued...)

G-isms

Mom was trying to explain tapas bars to Grandma.

Mom: "They are called tapas-little appetizers."
Me: (to G) "I had some in Pittsburgh-they are delicious. There's a tapas bar in Frederick-we can take you, if you want."
G: (looking confounded and worried)"You want to take me to a topless bar?"

The system goes on-line June 24, 2008.

So I've been gone loads of times by now. Tilda has not noticed.

Today I called home to say goodnight to Michael and asked to talk to Tilda. She was sad because "mommy was in the phone" and couldn't give her kisses. She wanted to come to Pittsburgh.

I felt like I was in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom-heart burst into flames and melted.

I NEED

this shirt.

No really.

I NEED it.

You can buy it here. Come on. You know you want to.

Trapped in the (Water) Closet

My husband will divorce me for posting this but:

1) this blog is supposed to be a mix of me rambling about random things and chronicling Tilda's childhood
2) I am in Pittsburgh watching America's Got Talent
3) it made me laugh my ass off

Michael called me panicky-Tilda had locked him in the bathroom downstairs. I had known for a while that the bathroom lock had been installed on the wrong side. I had also known that Tilda can manipulate the outside lock very well. Indeed, she had briefly locked me in there before too, but always immediately let me out.

Michael had to call for rescue.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So long, and thanks for all the "fish"

My first introduction to you was, ashamedly, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

But you were my favorite thing about it. Even as a 10 year old.

I started watching your comedy because my dad seem to like it and we have a similar sense of humor (Blazing Saddles!). And then my husband educated me on you further.

You were brilliant.

Thanks.

(Ma, sorry for the next part. Avert your eyes if need be.)

shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits

Road Trip! (Not!)

So, my poor G was hospitalized while we were in Seattle with double pneumonia. She doesn't have a good lung to begin with and she is 86 years old. We are all worried about her.

She was supposed to come visit us tomorrow, but that is not going to happen. I was really looking forward to driving home on Wednesday and seeing her. I bought her a pound of her favorite candy while in Seattle. She sounds sad on the phone. I told my mother I would do anything necessary to bring her here so we can take care of her for a few weeks-drive, fly, whatever...

What started (in my view) as an offering for me to accompany G here then grew into the idea that Mom, Dad, Tilda and I would drive to Ohio (a ten hour trip) to go get her and try to get her to come back with us. Then my sister wanted to come, but didn't think she could get the leave. Then Dad couldn't get the leave. Then he could. Then Tilda wasn't coming. Now she is. Then Kelly said she would bring Calliope and Rory. Then she wasn't. Then she was. Then I had realized I had assumed I could take off on Friday, but had not yet asked (it was no problem.)Then Dad was going to stay. Then I was confused and offered to stay home with Tilda so as not to overwhelm G. Then that was a bad idea, so now I am going.

What started out as one person coming here has now transformed into four adults traveling to Ohio, three of whom are crazy (see how I leave you out of this, Dad? That's called love.) and three children (all of whom are manipulative psychopaths) going on a 10 hour car trip to go see/kidnap G.

We went from "sitcom" to "reality show" in the course of seven hours. No really-someone needs to pay us to film this trip.

My sister and mother claim it will be "fun." An "adventure." Which shows that they have already snapped. I 'm sure I don't have far to go myself. I will qualify for the asylum before we hit W.VA (by the way, W. VA is like 2 minutes from my house.)

If life is a bowl of cherries...

what am I doing in Pittsburgh?

So back from Seattle on Wednesday, off to Pittsburgh on Sunday.

I drove instead of flying and despite driving through thunderstorms and 45 minutes of being stuck in traffic (really? on a Sunday?) I am glad for it. I love road trips. I hate flying.

Plus the cheapest ticket I could find to Pittsburgh from Baltimore was $400 (really?). It was cheaper to drive. And took the same amount of time, between driving to the airport, waiting at the airport, flying, and taking a taxi.

I was not entirely excited about Pittsburgh. You have to admit, it doesn't have the best rep. And not the most enticing name. Not like SEAttle. NEW York. Even HAMpton, VA, has the promise of something tasty. But no. I am in PITTSburgh.

Of course, I am not saying anything that hasn't been said before. But I find from the cities I have visiting that there is something iconic about them, something that can fully represent what that city is about. Take New York-Lady Liberty. Washington DC-the Capitol. Seattle-Pike Place, the Space Needle. Denver-the mountains. Absolutely gorgeous. Las Vegas-the Strip.

In visiting (most) of these places, I have been fortunate enough to have great views of these icons from my hotel room. We had a view of the Space Needle from even our room at an 8-story Homewood Suites. In Vegas, I always get a view of the Strip (endless entertainment, even that.)

The view from my room in Pittsburgh?

In all seriousness, though, I expected to dislike Pittsburgh immensely. But it's alright. The people are really nice. There's a lot of interesting looking restaurants. The city has very odd architecture and some beautiful churches. It's very walkable, but weirdly laid out. It seems like it has a dirty little secret. I can get behind that.

And let's not forget the zombies.

Ketchup

Alright, so I haven't blogged about much of anything lately. We went to Seattle last week-I adore Seattle. One, because everyone in my family except me is from Seattle, so I kinda (not really) feel that it comprises part of my "roots." My parents met and married in Washington State, my sister was born there and went to school there, and I guess I was a legal resident there for a number of years even though I had never stepped foot on the land there (crazy military rules). My grandfather and two aunts still live there, although I know little about them and have talked to them only a handful of times. But it feels...comfortable. And I can't say that about a lot of the cities I have been too...Charlotte, Denver, San Diego...



This was my second trip to Seattle, but the best one, since Maddy and Michael came with. As you can probably tell from my previous post, Maddy met her great-grandpa for the first time (he was the one with tattoos, in case you needed the hint) and he met his first great-grandchild. I'm glad I made the effort to go see him-conversation went stale 85% of the time, but...well, I'm just glad I did it. Not sure I have much more to say about it.



But it was so nice to go on one of these business trips with a companion! Normally, I just mindlessly walk around cities by myself, obtaining nothing but blisters and disillusionment about how these different cities somehow all seem the same (thanks, Old Navy, Gap, Best Buy...) But this time I got to be with and talk to Michael and we both had Maddy to tend to. But it was the first time that we traveled by ourselves as a family and it was...nice. Even when I worked, I had something to look forward to when I got back to my hotel room, instead of just making static-y calls to home on my cell from an empty hotel room.



And Seattle is a great town. Extremely clean and coffee on every corner. How much better can you get?



There seemed to be a lot more homeless people this time, but the last time I went was in March 2004 and it was cold and miserable. I may have buried my head in my jacket so far I didn't notice. But it was almost like San Diego. Otherwise, not much had changed. It was familiar, comfortable and the weather was brilliant.



It's not that I have anything against homeless people-it's just something I notice. Like a municipal barometer? I don't know...It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't sorta thing, isn't it?



But I think we all had a lot of fun. Maddy was excited about "seeing" " 'attle." Not sure if she ever got that we were in a place called Seattle.



We went to Pike Place Market. Several times. It's like a Disneyland of food. I swear, if I could shop there everyday for dinner, I would be the happiest person on Earth.



Some of the best beer I have ever had was in Pike Brewing Co. (family owned and operated since 1983.) We went there twice. They have a Kiltlifter Scotch Ale that is just brilliant.



Tilda only had one bad meltdown in public. But it was bad. We got through it. And then she asked for "white soup." "White soup" = clam chowder. She loves it.



We also went to the Experience Music Project (seemed less cool than I remembered) and the Science Fiction Museum (I now have a whole list of books I want to read). Michael took Maddy to the Seattle Aquarium and she convinced him to buy a stuffed starfish that she loves. He also took her to the Children's Museum. And Kung Fu Panda (practice for WALL-E).



Overall, we had great fun. Michael and Tilda flew out early by themselves and left me alone to watch America's Got Talent (see previous post). Of course, I would rather pick watching crappy reality shows than tackling a 5 hour flight with a 3 year old by myself. But Michael took it all in stride and, thankfully, Tilda slept throughout the entire flight.

"It's not TV...it's birth control"

This could apply to a lot of shows, but right now NBC is using this tagline to promote their new show "The Baby Borrowers" where they lend babies to teenagers who think parenting is a breeze.

But having been cooped up in a hotel room for the past few nights, I think this could apply to other shows:

Spongebob Squarepants-because you will have to watch it-all the time.

America's Got Talent-hey, I totally applaud anyone whose got the cahones to get up in front of national television and possibly embarass themselves. Even if their act sucks-and quite a few do. But there's always the chance that your kid will grow up to be an audience member. Seriously, these bloodthirsty people are akin to the attendees of the Roman circuses.

Jon & Kate Plus 8-I had heard about this show, but didn't really know what it was about. Turns out it is about a family that had a set of twin girls, decided they loved parenting, and then deciding to have one more-they ended up with sextuplets. So now they have two 6 year olds and six (count 'em 6!) three year olds. Watching the show, I saw six Maddys running around-and it terrified me. I think we can end the sex ed debate here-forget teaching abstinence, forget teaching birth control. Just show this program and have the family tour. Lord knows, I would have become a nun.