How to Raise A Child

It is of the utmost importance, when raising a child, to constrain the child's mobility as much as possible to prevent mischief and retain parental sanity. After almost 18 months of arduous labor, I have devised the perfect restraining device (see Figure A below).

Figure A.


There are three components of this device:

1) Jacket-As you can see, the "puffy" jacket, made of space-age polymer materials, restricts arm movement, thus preventing such actions such as attempting to operate the microwave and strangulation of feline specimens. The child is also unable to "wriggle" as strongly as usual and tends to eventually emit a loud sigh and relent to parental whims.
2) Mittens-Preventing use of the digits has proven to be quite effective. Without dexterity, child is unable to grasp sharp objects such as forks (often used to jab parents), steal dangerous liquids (such as hot coffee), and, generally, engage in general mischief, as children are naturally inclined to do. See Figure B below for an example.
3) Hat-this is done simply for parental enjoyment. It angers the child yet, due to the "mitten" component, child is unable to do anything about it. The parent is delighted as child sits, angry but helpless and unable to remove the hat. Researchers participating in this subject were overjoyed to uncover this hidden benefit.

Figure B.

As one can see from Figure B, child is attempting to escape parental control but is unable to do so due to a lack of dexterity.

Conclusions:
Parental sanity can be retained with a few simple precautions; however, be aware that the restraining device should only be used throughout the winter months. Researchers participating in this study warn of the dangers of global warming and are currently researching a design for the spring and summer seasons.