Da Spare

So I think I finished my Master's program. Finally.

And now I'm bored.

I picture the next year to consist of going to work, doing glorified data entry for several hours, coming home, eating, and waiting to go to bed. Each and every night.

For a year, I said.

Occasionally, there might be pie. But nothing else exciting.

Sure, playing with the baby is fun. But it gets old when the baby's idea of fun is to scale Mt. Mommy. This typically involves a baby toe in the eye.

And I know where that toe has been.



Not even my garden has brought me much pleasure this year. The tomatoes are doing great, actually. But my squash...those horrible squash bugs have completely decimated my spaghetti squash, yellow squash, and zucchini-I only got one edible vegetable of the lot. Those evil little buggers apparently suck all the juices out of a healthy squash plant and replace those juices with some sort of toxic squash assassin juice. Like vampires and fair maidens. Like Russia and ex-secret agents. Like Cheney and babies.

I have not come across a good way to kill them. One suggestion was to place a piece of wood out in the garden-apparently, they like wood and gather under it at night, like some sort of squash bug discotheque. In the morning, you are supposed to "dispose" of the hungover and still-comatose squash bugs, but no specifics are ever given. What, am I supposed to dump them in the trash or put a cap in their ass? More details, please.

So I have resorted to the old soapy water remedy. This involves me wearing latex gloves and handpicking squash bugs off of my wilted zucchini plants like the filthy vegetable terrorists they are. If you know me, you know I can't stand bugs, and the idea of having to hold one while they wiggle their little bug legs and squirm in their little bug armor freaks me out to no end. But, it has to be done. Apparently, their favorite squash are pumpkins and I desperately want to protect those.

And they are such soul-less creatures. You put a whole bunch in a container of soapy water-do they try to rescue each other? No, they try to climb over one another, pushing others into the water as they try to climb out of the "Citrus Death (With Scrubbing Oxy-Bubbles!)." As I approach, the big ones scatter, leaving the little ones to perish. No squash bug alarm is sounded. Every squash bug for its bugself.

I am thinking about getting a second job. It would help pay for some of my college debt and hopefully give me something to do. We'll see.