The system goes on-line June 24, 2008.

So I've been gone loads of times by now. Tilda has not noticed.

Today I called home to say goodnight to Michael and asked to talk to Tilda. She was sad because "mommy was in the phone" and couldn't give her kisses. She wanted to come to Pittsburgh.

I felt like I was in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom-heart burst into flames and melted.

I NEED

this shirt.

No really.

I NEED it.

You can buy it here. Come on. You know you want to.

Trapped in the (Water) Closet

My husband will divorce me for posting this but:

1) this blog is supposed to be a mix of me rambling about random things and chronicling Tilda's childhood
2) I am in Pittsburgh watching America's Got Talent
3) it made me laugh my ass off

Michael called me panicky-Tilda had locked him in the bathroom downstairs. I had known for a while that the bathroom lock had been installed on the wrong side. I had also known that Tilda can manipulate the outside lock very well. Indeed, she had briefly locked me in there before too, but always immediately let me out.

Michael had to call for rescue.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So long, and thanks for all the "fish"

My first introduction to you was, ashamedly, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

But you were my favorite thing about it. Even as a 10 year old.

I started watching your comedy because my dad seem to like it and we have a similar sense of humor (Blazing Saddles!). And then my husband educated me on you further.

You were brilliant.

Thanks.

(Ma, sorry for the next part. Avert your eyes if need be.)

shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits

Road Trip! (Not!)

So, my poor G was hospitalized while we were in Seattle with double pneumonia. She doesn't have a good lung to begin with and she is 86 years old. We are all worried about her.

She was supposed to come visit us tomorrow, but that is not going to happen. I was really looking forward to driving home on Wednesday and seeing her. I bought her a pound of her favorite candy while in Seattle. She sounds sad on the phone. I told my mother I would do anything necessary to bring her here so we can take care of her for a few weeks-drive, fly, whatever...

What started (in my view) as an offering for me to accompany G here then grew into the idea that Mom, Dad, Tilda and I would drive to Ohio (a ten hour trip) to go get her and try to get her to come back with us. Then my sister wanted to come, but didn't think she could get the leave. Then Dad couldn't get the leave. Then he could. Then Tilda wasn't coming. Now she is. Then Kelly said she would bring Calliope and Rory. Then she wasn't. Then she was. Then I had realized I had assumed I could take off on Friday, but had not yet asked (it was no problem.)Then Dad was going to stay. Then I was confused and offered to stay home with Tilda so as not to overwhelm G. Then that was a bad idea, so now I am going.

What started out as one person coming here has now transformed into four adults traveling to Ohio, three of whom are crazy (see how I leave you out of this, Dad? That's called love.) and three children (all of whom are manipulative psychopaths) going on a 10 hour car trip to go see/kidnap G.

We went from "sitcom" to "reality show" in the course of seven hours. No really-someone needs to pay us to film this trip.

My sister and mother claim it will be "fun." An "adventure." Which shows that they have already snapped. I 'm sure I don't have far to go myself. I will qualify for the asylum before we hit W.VA (by the way, W. VA is like 2 minutes from my house.)

If life is a bowl of cherries...

what am I doing in Pittsburgh?

So back from Seattle on Wednesday, off to Pittsburgh on Sunday.

I drove instead of flying and despite driving through thunderstorms and 45 minutes of being stuck in traffic (really? on a Sunday?) I am glad for it. I love road trips. I hate flying.

Plus the cheapest ticket I could find to Pittsburgh from Baltimore was $400 (really?). It was cheaper to drive. And took the same amount of time, between driving to the airport, waiting at the airport, flying, and taking a taxi.

I was not entirely excited about Pittsburgh. You have to admit, it doesn't have the best rep. And not the most enticing name. Not like SEAttle. NEW York. Even HAMpton, VA, has the promise of something tasty. But no. I am in PITTSburgh.

Of course, I am not saying anything that hasn't been said before. But I find from the cities I have visiting that there is something iconic about them, something that can fully represent what that city is about. Take New York-Lady Liberty. Washington DC-the Capitol. Seattle-Pike Place, the Space Needle. Denver-the mountains. Absolutely gorgeous. Las Vegas-the Strip.

In visiting (most) of these places, I have been fortunate enough to have great views of these icons from my hotel room. We had a view of the Space Needle from even our room at an 8-story Homewood Suites. In Vegas, I always get a view of the Strip (endless entertainment, even that.)

The view from my room in Pittsburgh?

In all seriousness, though, I expected to dislike Pittsburgh immensely. But it's alright. The people are really nice. There's a lot of interesting looking restaurants. The city has very odd architecture and some beautiful churches. It's very walkable, but weirdly laid out. It seems like it has a dirty little secret. I can get behind that.

And let's not forget the zombies.

Ketchup

Alright, so I haven't blogged about much of anything lately. We went to Seattle last week-I adore Seattle. One, because everyone in my family except me is from Seattle, so I kinda (not really) feel that it comprises part of my "roots." My parents met and married in Washington State, my sister was born there and went to school there, and I guess I was a legal resident there for a number of years even though I had never stepped foot on the land there (crazy military rules). My grandfather and two aunts still live there, although I know little about them and have talked to them only a handful of times. But it feels...comfortable. And I can't say that about a lot of the cities I have been too...Charlotte, Denver, San Diego...



This was my second trip to Seattle, but the best one, since Maddy and Michael came with. As you can probably tell from my previous post, Maddy met her great-grandpa for the first time (he was the one with tattoos, in case you needed the hint) and he met his first great-grandchild. I'm glad I made the effort to go see him-conversation went stale 85% of the time, but...well, I'm just glad I did it. Not sure I have much more to say about it.



But it was so nice to go on one of these business trips with a companion! Normally, I just mindlessly walk around cities by myself, obtaining nothing but blisters and disillusionment about how these different cities somehow all seem the same (thanks, Old Navy, Gap, Best Buy...) But this time I got to be with and talk to Michael and we both had Maddy to tend to. But it was the first time that we traveled by ourselves as a family and it was...nice. Even when I worked, I had something to look forward to when I got back to my hotel room, instead of just making static-y calls to home on my cell from an empty hotel room.



And Seattle is a great town. Extremely clean and coffee on every corner. How much better can you get?



There seemed to be a lot more homeless people this time, but the last time I went was in March 2004 and it was cold and miserable. I may have buried my head in my jacket so far I didn't notice. But it was almost like San Diego. Otherwise, not much had changed. It was familiar, comfortable and the weather was brilliant.



It's not that I have anything against homeless people-it's just something I notice. Like a municipal barometer? I don't know...It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't sorta thing, isn't it?



But I think we all had a lot of fun. Maddy was excited about "seeing" " 'attle." Not sure if she ever got that we were in a place called Seattle.



We went to Pike Place Market. Several times. It's like a Disneyland of food. I swear, if I could shop there everyday for dinner, I would be the happiest person on Earth.



Some of the best beer I have ever had was in Pike Brewing Co. (family owned and operated since 1983.) We went there twice. They have a Kiltlifter Scotch Ale that is just brilliant.



Tilda only had one bad meltdown in public. But it was bad. We got through it. And then she asked for "white soup." "White soup" = clam chowder. She loves it.



We also went to the Experience Music Project (seemed less cool than I remembered) and the Science Fiction Museum (I now have a whole list of books I want to read). Michael took Maddy to the Seattle Aquarium and she convinced him to buy a stuffed starfish that she loves. He also took her to the Children's Museum. And Kung Fu Panda (practice for WALL-E).



Overall, we had great fun. Michael and Tilda flew out early by themselves and left me alone to watch America's Got Talent (see previous post). Of course, I would rather pick watching crappy reality shows than tackling a 5 hour flight with a 3 year old by myself. But Michael took it all in stride and, thankfully, Tilda slept throughout the entire flight.

"It's not TV...it's birth control"

This could apply to a lot of shows, but right now NBC is using this tagline to promote their new show "The Baby Borrowers" where they lend babies to teenagers who think parenting is a breeze.

But having been cooped up in a hotel room for the past few nights, I think this could apply to other shows:

Spongebob Squarepants-because you will have to watch it-all the time.

America's Got Talent-hey, I totally applaud anyone whose got the cahones to get up in front of national television and possibly embarass themselves. Even if their act sucks-and quite a few do. But there's always the chance that your kid will grow up to be an audience member. Seriously, these bloodthirsty people are akin to the attendees of the Roman circuses.

Jon & Kate Plus 8-I had heard about this show, but didn't really know what it was about. Turns out it is about a family that had a set of twin girls, decided they loved parenting, and then deciding to have one more-they ended up with sextuplets. So now they have two 6 year olds and six (count 'em 6!) three year olds. Watching the show, I saw six Maddys running around-and it terrified me. I think we can end the sex ed debate here-forget teaching abstinence, forget teaching birth control. Just show this program and have the family tour. Lord knows, I would have become a nun.

Maddy Meets a Sailor (Pt 3)

Maddy met her great-grandpa for the first time this week...

I think he was glad to see her...

Wednesdays With Tilda

Conversation I had with my daughter today...

(walking up steep hill with said child on my shoulders...)
Maddy: Mommy, you very sick?
Me: Um....no. I'm fine.
Maddy: Mommy, you very old?
Me: No, I'm not old!!!!

Speaking of which, for people who are fans of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends and those who are bored at work (I believe that covers everyone in the world), check this link out. Much fun.

The Meadow Party Platform

And now for some deep, political insight.

First off, let me state that I consider myself an independent. I always thought that I would be able to vote for either party, depending on who I thought would be the best candidate.

When this whole circus started-what, 2, 3 years ago it seems?-I hoped either McCain or Huckabee would win the Republican nomination. McCain because he seemed to be the lesser of the other evils and Huckabee because, well, I would get to giggle hysterically every time I heard the term "President Huckabee" and you can't buy that kind of joy.

(Although you can move to West Virginia where someone with the last name "BOOBER" is running for commissioner or something. I don't even know what. All I know is that their last name is BOOBER. Ha!)

For the Democrats, I never saw much difference between the two frontrunners except for, well, the obvious physical differences. Their plans seem pretty similar. Either one winning would be historic for the USA and a great leap into the future. I always thought Hillary seemed more negative and cutthroat, but hey-still way better than what we currently have, right? Couldn't do worse if we elected a rock to the presidency.

(The only thing that gave me real pause about Hillary is kind of silly, but I couldn't shake it-it was the last name. It seemed so wrong to me that if she got elected we would have had an alternating dynasty in the American presidency for a quarter of a century. It didn't seem right and didn't seem like change. But I digress.)

And can I also mention that, as an independent in the state of Maryland, I was not able to vote in any primary. So my opinions are worth nothing anyway.

But now it seems to be closing up and I would be happy to support Obama. Not only because of the historic nature of his presidency, but also because of his seeming (he is still a politician) willingness to talk candidly to the American people about the state we are in. That is the change I think he represents. Honesty. Truth.

No more bullshit.

I am sick of the lies, misdirection and divisiveness I have experienced in the last 8 years. No MORE. Americans are willing to suck up the mistakes we have made, make plans, improve and move on. Stop whining, keep the best interests of the people and not the corporations and executives in mind and lets get to work, OK?

The other reason I will support Obama to the fullest?

Maddy screeches happily whenever she sees him on TV, jumps up and down, points at the screen and shouts "Bok Omama! Bok Omama!"

And cuteness is a platform I can TOTALLY get behind.

In other news...
I have stopped my Food Network obsession and have switched back to obsessing about HGTV. Damn the housing market! Hearing about the declining market on my commute home EVERY DAY makes me want to renovate my horrible kitchen even more. Looks like I will be in this house longer than I thought.

I have even sucked Michael into my home renovation viewing and have assaulted him with questions about his preferences, options, etc...His main contribution so far? "Get them to do it!" he says, while gesturing at the HGTV gods of renovation.

So I spent an hour tonight writing various essays to HGTV, imploring them to "Spice Up My Kitchen," "Renovate My Space" and "Design on a Dime." Although the idea of having a TV crew in my house freaks me out a bit (quite a bit, actually), I can relax in knowing that they can't do much harm to my already crappy kitchen.

And besides, I doubt we will get picked anyway.

"Excuse me, Chinese Waiter?"

So Saturday was the Maryland Spring Brewer's Fest. It was pretty good, despite a thunderstorm and tornado watch (outdoor event, if you have not gathered that already). I got to sample one of the BEST BEERS EVER (Ginger Rye beer-yum!) and after a few hours was pretty tired. All in all, I only had the equivalent of three beers, but I was pretty wiped.

So I came home, took a hot shower and collapsed on the bed, with my arms spread like a mo'. Put it this way-it is 36 hours later and my arms still ache from my crucified-while-on-my-stomach sleeping-position.

Too tired to make dinner, so we order Chinese food. We always get steamed pork dumplings. They are delicious (and only about 60 calories!).

Now Tilda, who eats everything 68% of the time, asked for a dumpling but screeched when I tried to cut it up for her. ( A new thing. Not fond of it.) So I dumped it on her plate and turned my attention back to my spicy Singapore Curry, my own dumplings and The Daily Show. At some point, Tilda sidles up to me.

And promptly spits a half-chewed, pork dumpling into my plate of food.

(Apparently another new thing-she did it again this morning. Also not fond of it.)

At first I was really concerned, thinking that she was sick. It took me a few minutes of alternately looking down out my plate and her to realize that she had simply decided that it was too hot or she didn't like it. Michael, however, had seen the whole thing and had never thought she was sick. Therefore, his face was about to explode between wanting to laugh his fool head off and being entirely aghast.

So Tilda got sent to time-out, where she merrily stared at the wall and sang to herself. (Another new thing-time-outs are almost entirely ineffective. )

Michael, even now, gets a contorted snickering look on his face when the incident comes up in conversation.

Other than my regurgitating child, the only other news is that Kelly and I bought a canoe. 20 years old, complete with paddles, a roof rack and life jackets. For only $99! We have talked about going in on a canoe together for years. Now our new goal is to not kill ourselves in it.