Killer Zucchini from Outer Space

So of course, its been raining almost constantly the past week. Today was the first day it didn't rain at all, so I thought I would go out and inspect my vegetable garden.

Eep!

Apparently zucchinis like rain. Some of them are taller than my 4 year old niece. The leaves are as big as basketballs. They are overshadowing my peppers (which I wanted more than zucchini) and blocking them from receiving any sun. One of the zucchinis was reaching out, bitchslapping a tomato plant.

My pumpkins, 'lopes, and other squash (I can't even remember what type specifically) have decided the yard is pretty nice and they are going to stretch out a chill a while. Stretch out two feet from where they are supposed to be.

My cucumbers have decided that they are Nazi Germany and the chives are Poland and are, consequently, invading.

My lettuces, mesclun, and spinach cried out "Eat me, already." So I will, probably tomorrow.

All in all, I expect next time I visit my veggies, one of them (a zucchini I suspect) will cry out "Feed me, Seymour."

Yay!

NEAT!

Maddy totally dug the merry-go-round

 

I thought the Band-Aid made me look tough

But everyone else just made fun of me. Except Mike. Who said I looked like Marv from Sin City. I like Mike. 

Maddy seemed to enjoy herself

 

I forgot sunscreen

 

My dad, who is incredibly weird

And looks like Kenny Rogers on crack 

My niece...

Who is both incredibly cute and evil. 

Well, THAT was disgusting

It has been raining since...I don't even remember when it started, to be perfectly honest. All I know is that we received 6 inches of rain in the past 24 hours. Many government buildings closed, roads closed, and my trash can, which lost its lid sometime in March, is filled with water. And, of course, garbage bags. Garbage bags filled with dirty diapers and cat litter.

So tonight is trash night and I tried to pull the garbage can to our curb, forgetting of course, that Einstein already computed his famous theorem which stated:

(garbage can+nasty things)-lid+(rain x infinity)=Big, Smelly Nasty Thing.

I quickly realized the quandry I was in. The garbage can itself was too heavy for me to lift so I thought I should tip it over and let out a bit of the water. Oh, I can't even begin to describe the smell. But I imagine that if Dirty Jobs on Discovery came with sniff & scratch, it might be similar to that.

Plus, with the fly problem we have been having, I thought it would be bad idea to dump it in our alley way.

So I started taking the trash bags out one by one. Very carefully, because I buy the cheapest trash bags I can. The first one was fine, so was the second. The third bag disintegrated. Of course it was the one with the diapers AND the cat litter.

And of course, I was wearing Birks.

My neighbor, who is perpetually on his porch, was sitting and watching the entire escapade. He casually remarked, "Looks like you need a shovel."

Overall, it was pretty gross.

But I feel so bad-with my parents here, we completely forgot about the trashcan. I don't want the poor WM people to come to my house and find THAT mess. But I don't want to dump it in the street. And I don't want to dump it in our yard (like it isn't saturated already). So we are currently calling all parent-type people to get their advice.

And of course, during this debate, Michael mused, "We should drill a hole in the bottom."

Duh.

Random Thoughts for June 22nd

Going to the Old Dominion Beerfest this weekend in Ashburn VA with my sister and the 'rents. Which just seems kinda wrong in its own way. I can't gloat about going to my coworkers tomorrow-what am I going to say-"Hey, I'm gonna get toasted with the pah-rents!"? But I am looking forward to it-I used to live not 5 minutes from this brewery and have wanted to go to this for the past four years. The first three years I was plum broke so finally 2005 was gonna be the year. But I got knocked up. Oh well. But it should be fun-a ton of beer and...um...music...and..um...beer.

What is funny about this particular beerfest is that it runs for three days and on Sunday, the last day, they conclude the weekend's festivities with a 10K run. Now, for just a moment, close your eyes and visualize a 10K showcasing runners who have spent the past 72 hours guzzling beer.

Fantastic, isn't it?

I have been thinking about taking our video camera there and saving the footage in the event I ever make a movie about zombies.

Score in Bugs vs Jamee-Bugs 1, Jamee 6. But the bug victory today was more like the US score in their game vs Italy in the World Cup-I accidentally sprayed myself in the eye with ant killer.

No, I don't follow soccer or even most sports. (I occasionally follow the Pats during football season). I just listen to the news. A lot. Which is why I am in an unpleasant mood most of the time. A daily reminder about our sad, scary world and our incompetent government.

For the most part though, the only person I work with now is Maddy. I sit at the computer desk while she plays at my feet, taking the occasional break to feed or change her. Then Michael comes home and starts whining about the shit he has to deal with at work, not thinking about the shit I have to deal with. Literally.

Speaking of which, I don't do laundry. It's not that I mind doing laundry, its that I don't even think about it until I start to get dressed in the morning and realize there's nothing to wear. Michael can't stand this and does laundry constantly. Which doesn't make sense-I mean, if I'm home, I can just throw a load in, right? Doesn't take too much time. But I forget and I think Michael has devised a way to make me remember.

Lately he has been changing Maddy's diaper first thing in the morning. I am beginning to think he deliberately fastens it wrong so that when she has her morning bowel movement, (like clockwork I tell you-I start to smell something funky and think "oh, it must be 7:43 am") it sprays upward, soils her clothes and everything that surrounds her, and serves as a "potent" reminder that I need to do laundry.

I haven't told him my theory. I'm sure he would deny everything.

It has been damn hot here outside the nation's capital. My vegetable garden, which was doing so well (and was far superior to my sister's) looked really sad today. If a plant could look dejected, these were it. It did rain this morning and we are supposed to get sporadic thunderstorms all week so maybe that will help. I did see the most tiny bell shaped thingies on my pepper plants-I am thrilled.

And my last random thought for the day: I realized my biggest fear is that Maddy will grow up to be an entomologist. Please, Jeebus, anything but that.

I need a new hobby

I killed 5 flies today-working on a sixth. He's being a real bastard-circling my and then bopping me on the head and flying off. I swear I hear him go "tee-hee" everytime he does.

I've decided my Indian name would be "Battles with Flies."

I assure you I am as sick of writing about them as you are of reading about them. I need a new hobby. Like this person.

Yet Gone With the Wind is one of my favorites

Apparently, I'm 64% Yankee. Yet, I lived the majority of my life in the South. Go figure. What are you? Are you a Rebel or a Yankee?

Drink A Week

This is one of my favorite sites. You can sign up for Drink a Week and they will e-mail you a new recipe, along with some pretty amusing commentary, about once every month. Not very on time, but still pretty useful and entertaining. My favorite tool is the "Your Bar" section wherein you plug in what ingredients you have on hand and the site will tell you what drinks you can make. Fantastic.

Why is it the all great comedians are dead?

This is not a general rule-surely, there are the Chris Rocks, Dave Chapell's, Stephen Colberts, Jon Stewarts and Bill Cosbys still left in this world. But I just discovered (courtesy of Michael) the work of Mitch Hedberg. I HAVE NOT LAUGHED SO HARD IN SUCH A LONG TIME. It takes a lot for me to forget I am sitting in not-moving-traffic on the Capital Beltway for 45 minutes (to go 5 miles). A lot. But Hedberg did it and I am sad I will never see him in concert. I feel the same way I feld after Mike introduced me to Bill Hicks many years after the fact. Damn it.

The C.L.F.

Maddy has apparently joined the CLF-the Cheerios Liberation Front. I gather she believes that every Cheerio she sees should be liberated from its container and thrown on the floor where they apparently become tastier. Must be the cat fur embedded in the carpet.

In other news, I am working on my hot mix. Michael is playing this time, so I don't want to be overly influenced by his choice in music. Unfortunately, however, it's hard to get him to not talk about it. Constantly. Erg.

The 6 Month Checkup

Maddy had her 6th month checkup today. Yes, she is actually 10 1/2 months old. Yes, we are bad parents.

She is exactly 20 lbs and 29 inches-she is in the 50% for weight and 95% for height. They actually measured her twice because they could not believe how much she had grown.

What this really means, however, is that she had to get both her 6 and 9 month shots at the same time. So the poor kid got 5 shots and a toe prick. She was covered in those band-aids with the cartoon characters. We were proud of her though-she only cried for a few minutes and then calmed down. What a good monkey.

More Escapades in Bug World

I know you are probably sick of this.

But I went downstairs to get some lunch and, being ever vigilant of black spots on the walls, noticed this HUGE (ok, maybe nickel-sized) mean-looking black spider on the ceiling. I decided to stick my Lean Cuisine in the microwave and get my WMDs-a broom and an empty laundry detergent bottle. The plan? I called it "Operation: Sweep and Smoosh." But he was gone. Must have been a Stealth Spider.

So now whenever I go downstairs, I cautiously scan the ceilings, walls, and floors to make sure he isn't lurking, ready for me to pass by so he can jump out and attack.

Stupid ninja spider.

More Dangers of Working From Home

I stepped out of my office for 3 minutes to make a phone call and when I returned saw Maddy trying to send a fax.

No, they do not look like Jeff Goldblum

I have already written extensively about my hatred for insects.

My newest hobby is killing flies. Mike and I came home one day, after a fairly rotten day at work, to find about 30 flies buzzing around the house. It sucked. Really sucked. The presence of flies makes my house feel soiled and forever dirty. See you have to visit sites like this to figure out what to get rid of them and the sites make you feel like a total slob. Really, I'm not THAT bad.

Am I?

I'm not sure where they came from-after doing some research on the matter and realizing how many possibilities there were, I wanted to block it all out. Could have been the tuna left out for the cat, the pre-lemonade lemons sitting on the table in a nice wooden bowl (IKEA-style), who knows? What I can tell you is I spent the next two hours roaming the house with a bottle of windex and a can of Raid (Kills bugs dead) looking for potential victims. Michael, ever the pacifist, wandered around the house with a magazine, gently urging the flies out the window and to their freedom. Not me. I drowned them in windex and gleefully trapped them between the window and the screen, joyously thinking about how they would spend the next day starving to death.

Yeah, sometimes I scare myself.

But they do not belong in my house. This is my house and they are not welcome.

Michael and I got rid of every one that we could see. But every day since, I have seen at least three, buzzing around my place like little conquistadors. I am going crazy, examining every black spot I see on the walls (I have whacked the same nail hole about five times) and gleefully getting rid of them (the real ones, not the nail holes).

Despite my hated for the buggers, some remorse for the ones I have killed has set in. Tonight, I found myself trying to use Michael's approach and urge two invaders out the window. The dumbasses couldn't figure out I was trying to save them and would not move in the direction I needed them to. I accidentally crushed them with our double-hung windows.

But I probably didn't feel as bad as I should have.

Seriously, though-check this site out. Look at the varieties. Don't they deserve to die horrible deaths?

Maddy Berryman?

Is it just me or does Maddy look like a potential character from The Hills Have Eyes in this pic? 

Michael's got "blogitis"

Check it out here http://punchbuggyblues.blogspot.com/

Evil Mix Revealed

A Word of Friendly Warning-taken from the Rob Zombie produced soundtrack to the '33 Frankenstein.
The Curse of Millhaven-Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Hell's Ditch-The Pogues
I Wish I Had an Evil Twin-The Magnetic Fields
Mr Bad Example-the late great Warren Zevon
Friend of the Devil-Counting Crows
Evil-Howlin' Wolf
Ego Tripping At the Gates of Hell-The Flaming Lips
My Dark Life-Elvis Costello
Red Right Hand-Cave (again)
Superstition-Stevie Wonder
Turkish Song of the Damned-Pogues (again)
Bloodletting (the Vampire Song)-Concrete Blonde
Evil Will Prevail-Flips (again)
March of the Sinister Ducks-Alan Moore