How My Brain Works

Be careful-you may not want to read on.

I was picking some basil in my garden for my tomato and mozzarella sandwiches. I had the thought, "What if the basil rose up and rebelled against being picked? What would I say to them to prove I had a right to eat them?" (No, I am not one of those people who think plants think, it was just a random thought that popped in my head.)

So the conversation would go like this:

Basil: You bastard! You just plucked off Jimmy!
Me: Sorry.
Basil: Why did you do that?
Me: Well, I planted you for the purpose of eating you. I'm hungry, so Jimmy the Basil has got to go.

In other words, as Bill Cosby put it, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

Almost godlike isn't it? No, I'm not being arrogant, but when bad things happen to people, we wonder why, right? I am one of those people who think things happen for a reason, a reason that I am unsure of and do not necessarily contribute to a deity or even anything tangible. I use this to explain many things in my life-from not getting a job to taking a wrong turn at a stop light. It happened for a reason. (i.e. because I got lost on the way home maybe I avoided a car accident so I shouldn't stress about getting lost.)

This is not to say that I use this as an excuse or a reason to not take any action at all. If you had to put it in more simple words, I would go with the "actors on a world stage" philosophy but would add in that we get to choose our own parts and speak our own lines.

I haven't decided yet if there is a director. But there is a general storyboard.

Well, it makes sense in my head.

But if you do believe in a Creator, is death just the Creator plucking us off the Earth because s/he/it is done with us (or, gulp, going to eat us)? This is what I was taught at church (well, not the God is gonna eat me part).

So this is what went through my mind in the two minutes it took for me to pick some basil. So for those of you who hang around me, this is what is happening when I am very quiet for a while or if you are asking me a question and I haven't responded in several minutes.

This is how my brain works.

Either that or I am sleeping.

"Here comes the rain again..."

Michael laughs at me constantly. Mainly because he is mean, but lately because I have been stressing over whether or not to water my garden. This is a big deal for me because:

1) I am trying to being environmentally conscious. (Making amends for being a non-vegetarian.) It's better for the environment if I use the rain that is already falling-helps conserve water.
2) Better for my budget. Now that I own a home, I have to pay for water. You become a lot more conscious about these sorta things. (And you, or at least me, begin to detest the people who turn on the water in public bathrooms and let it run while they dry their hands, brush their teeth, or adjust their hair. These people should be burned at the stake-I would suggest drowning but that might waste water.)
3) I'm lazy.
4) Watering my lawn sucks. I realized too late (read: after I had bought a hose, thrown away the receipt, and tore off the packaging) that I do not have a water faucet on the outside of my house. So I have equipped myself with my old lemonade pitcher and an empty milk gallon plastic thingy and make several trips back and forth to refill and water my garden. My garden has gotten so large that it takes about 6 trips now.

So I fervently watch weather reports (even more so than usual) and delight if it begins to look even the slightest bit overcast. Thing is, it turns out I am way more hopeful about whether or not it will rain than ABC's Chief Meterologist Doug Hill. If he says "scattered thunderstorms," I assume he means "Brunswick will get rain and Jamee doesn't have to water." Of course, I always assume wrong, so I don't water and my tomatoes begin to wilt and look very sad indeed.

(My cucumbers, on the other hand, have led to me to decide they are the cockroaches of the vegetable world. They never wilt and they proliferate like rabbits. Or nuclear arms. You decide.)

Michael always (meanly) jokes that I will be guaranteed rain if I water the garden.

And he is always right.

Erg.

Also..

I got my hot mix. Haven't gotten through it yet, but am totally digging it thus far.

The Great Punkaloupe

I may have mentioned that I think I have pumpkins. I'm not quite sure because they are located about 10 feet SW of where I planted them and they look like watermelons. ThEY haVE TO BE EITHEr (Maddy keeps touCHing The Caps Lock Key) pumpkins or cantaloupes. My friend Diane has suggested that maybe they crossbred. I shall call them punkaloupes.

In other news, I tried a new beer today. Magic Hat #9. Check out their site. They claim this beer is "impossible to describe because there has never been anything else quite like it."

I say it tastes like hobo pee.

Suggestions welcome

It's July and it's hot. Which means my mind has turned to the Fall and, my all-time favorite holiday, Halloween. (Thanksgiving follows at a very close second. I absolutely despise Christmas. Ambivalent towards Arbor Day.)

I am so excited about Halloween this year. I have finally devised the best costume idea ever-I will go as a Mom! This will allow me to once again go trick-or-treating after a long 13 year hiatus using the ideal ruse-a small child.

It will be like taking candy from a baby.

But how should we dress that baby?

We do not let Maddy watch TV-at least not children's programming. She does light up whenever she hears Stephen Colbert's voice and she bops along to the Daily Show theme music. She watches Rachael Ray with more awe than she does me-I would feel put out, but since I think Rachael Ray acts and looks like a Muppet (the Swedish Chef?), I just assume Maddy does as well.

So what I am getting at is that there is no cartoon or kid's characters that she has latched onto which would lead me to a costume idea.

Michael and I have batted around some standards-bat, spider, ghost, etc...We shy away from things like angel, butterfly-yeech. I don't want to dress my child in anything that might attract Anne Geddes to my house. I don't have a fly swatter that big.

Since Rory is going as a superhero, Kelly suggested Maddy could be her nemesis (she certainly is mine-especially at 430 in the morning). Maybe a sidekick?

I'm stumped really. And July is almost over-time is running out.

Help!

Yay, me!

You scored as Candyman. You are the Candyman. You love living in the spotlight, and being feared. But should anyone question you, you make sure they suffer for their mistakes. You will go on, with people quietly talking about the evil that lives within you, while hoping they never have to experience it. Candyman 70% Leatherface 60% Freddy Krueger 60% Captain Spaulding 60% Pinhead 55% Michael Myers 50% Hannibal Lecter 45% Jason Voorhees 40% Buffalo Bill 30% Jigsaw 0% Which Horror Killer are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Who the hell is Marius?

And why am I like him?

You scored as Marius. You are the quiet cool. You are so mellow people are lulled into a false sense of security. When you are pissed god help anyone who crosses you? Marius 92% Dracula 83% Blade 83% Angel 75% Deacon Frost 67% Armand 67% Louis 58% Spike 42% Lestat 42% Akasha 33% Whose your Vampire personality? (images) created with QuizFarm.com

Oh well, at least I didn't get Lestat. That would have sucked.

How in America is this possible?

I am not sure I understand the grounds for this. Can someone explain it to me? Please?

"...pull the *&@#ing trigger 'til it goes 'click.'"

I tried to find a new swimsuit today. Whole process makes one want to shoot oneself in the head.

Tom Jones gets a thug rating of 77%, eh?

How Gangsta are you? by grandmasterslash
What is your name?
what is your favorite TV show?
What is your favorite band/rapper?
Your Gangsta job is	Rapper
Your Gangsta weapon of choice will be	A tricycle
The name of your gang will be	The Sunshine Gang
You will get mad props because	You ordered a meal in spanish
You will lose street cred when	You openly stated you love Good Charlotte
Your gang had this many people in it	4
Your Thug rating: 77%
Your Ghetto Quote is	"YOU CANT SPELL ROCK WITHOUT O.C!"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

The Monster Garden

 

I finally got my camera to work

So now you can see Maddy and her efforts to liberate Cheerios. 

Haikus 4 U

"Why I Want to Go Home"
(A haiku translated from the original ramblings of a visiting grandmother)

The coffee-too strong
They feed me squash casserole
The tea is too weak.

No rug on the floor
The long-nosed dog comes for me
Only one towel rack

The lamps are dimmed much
My bed is too soft, too high
As is the sofa

I wander the halls
I ask my daughter where she
has put my bedroom

The TV remote is
baffling and strange to me
Secretive device

Inside is too cold
Outside, ninety-nine degrees
I want to go home

P S Guess I'm outta the will

So...

we finally saw Pirates of the Carribbean: Dead Man's Chest. I was very entertained-I think it was the best movie I have seen in the theater since Maddy was born. Which is pretty sad.

It wasn't a perfect movie and it did lack the novelty of the first film, but I had fun and the audience was obnoxious.

Coolness

You scored as Captain Jack Sparrow. You are definitely quirky and often mistaken for mad but if anyone is truly paying attention they can see there is method to your madness. You try really hard to be bad but in the end you tend to do the right thing. Captain Jack Sparrow 92% Black Beard 83% Dread Pirate Roberts 75% Mary Read 67% Long John Silvers 67% Morgan Adams 58% Sinbad 58% Captain James T. Hook 50% Captain Barbosa 50% Will Turner 33% What kind of Pirate are you? created with QuizFarm.com

"Because flies are f*&@ers!"

I found out my G (re: grandma) was reading my blog, so I guess I should watch the language.

The flies are back. Not as many as there were that first day. Maybe five a day? So I have decided to be more scientific in my anti-fly warfare. First step: Know Thy Enemy.

So today I have been windexing flies (I really should write to Windex and tell them how much I enjoy their product) and studying their (ultraclean! no streaks!) bodies after death overtakes them. I also took a break and actually used the Windex to clean my windows (didn't know you could use it for that too!). And I have identified my enemy.

The blow fly is identified by its metallic sheen. They feed on trash and decaying animals. They rarely breed inside of buildings. Which means that I either have a dead animal stuck somewhere in the house or I have air leaks in the house. Since we do keep our trashcan in the alleyway along the side of the house, I am going with this option (mainly because I don't want to think about the other possibility).

So this weekend will be "stash my trash" weekend. As I mentioned before, our trash can lid blew away (or was stolen-you never know, there could be a trash can bandit) sometime in March and we haven't seen a need to replace it. Showed us.

Oh, speaking of decaying matter-Michael came home wanting to watch Basic Instinct 2. He wussed out halfway through claiming it was too boring to be bad. While this was true, it would be useful for one thing: If you ever want to get truly hammered, rent the movie and take a shot everytime Sharon Stone says "come" or "came." After 15 minutes, you will pass out and won't have to watch the rest of the movie.

Why I am not "Mom" material

Because I totally think this would suck.

Its he-re!

Yes. We rented Basic Instinct 2. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. No, no-hear me out. At the time, we were in the mood to watch a comedy. This was the funniest thing on our Netflix queue we could think of.

But now that it's here, I'm afraid.

I keep trying to convince Michael that I really should see the first Basic Instinct-I mean, if they made a sequel, surely there is a complex narrative at play here and I should have the background before plunging into new material. Right?

Michael knows I'm stalling.

The least I can do is inflict this on my sister. That should lessen the pain. A little. My brother-in-law suggested doing shots. That would also lessen the pain. Until the next morning, that is.

Michael and I had this discussion/mildly heated argument on the way to the Y tonight. He insisted that I like bad movies and always whine about wanting to watch them. I countered with, "But I meant bad movies like Mansquito (a Sci-Fi original about a half-man, half-well, you know), not Basic Instinct II!." Mike glared.

But it's true-there's bad movies, and then there are bad movies.

Now, Basic Instinct III: Bride of Mansquito-that's a movie I would pay to see.

Ouch

My hand feels like its on fire and has for the past 5 hours. Why, you might ask? Because I am an idiot.

Came home from work and wanted comfort food, not the healthy fish and salad I had set out to thaw the night before. So I decided to make enchiladas. I had both a jalapeno and a habanero I need to use up anyway.

Now, I have cut up peppers before with no gloves and no consequences. Tonight, however, after dinner was over and I was playing with Maddy on the floor, I realized my left hand was tingly. Then it started burning.

Not really being able to type, I asked Mike to search for remedies on the web. Most sites advise against rubbing your eyes (duh,even I knew that) and most also advise wearing gloves while cutting peppers.

Oops.

I found one site where this woman described cutting up a bunch of peppers, not really knowing the exact variety. Several hours later her hand started burning and she tried everything-water, lotion, ice, but nothing worked. Finally, she went to the emergency room where they administered the same lotion they use for burn victims.

I found another site where someone had done the exact same thing I did and wanted some home remedies for relief. Most people suggested to wear gloves next time.

So I have spent most of tonight holding ice packs, holding my hand under running water, soaking it in milk, and drinking White Russians (hey, its a cold, frosty glass). Nothing really helps. I read that it usually takes 12-15 hours to wear off.

This is what I get for not sticking to my diet.

SQUASH

I have squash!

I went out to my garden to vanquish my enemies, the Japanese beetles. I had read about two ways to do this:

1) Homemade insectide-mix 1 cup of vegetable oil, 1 cup of water, and 1 tbsp of dish soap. Spray on plants.
2) Pick beetles off. Mash into paste with water. Spray on plants.

The second option did not seem as enticing as the first. Luckily, the first method works very well. The beetles scattered, leaving me to inspect my monster squashes.

They are now halfway to the house. I'm a little frightened.

Anyways, I learned that I had three good-sized yellow squashes. As I need a side dish for our veggie burgers, everything worked out great. I also cut some lettuce to make a mandarin orange salad that my sister's sister-in-law makes. After I washed and trimmed both, I found out I need some parsley too. Back out to the garden. It was great-it's like having a supermarket in my backyard.

And I saw a baby tomato! I am so excited.

Yeah, I'm lame. But it's all good.

I am a bit ashamed to admit-I cut open one of the squashes-it was so perfect on the inside and I couldn't remember being more proud in my life. More so that when my kid was born. I am such a bad person.

But then again, I was on a lot of drugs at the time.

Yeah. That's my excuse.

The Great Debate

Life does get harder when one has kids.

Tom Waits is touring. Tom Waits rarely tours. It's basically a once-in-a-lifetime experience. The closest place he is playing to us is Akron, OH. I've been to Akron-it ain't pretty. In fact, it's downright depressing. Driving 5 hours to end up in Akron sounds like a death sentence.

But the challenge lies in trying to organize my sister, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and Mike and I to try to go see this concert and find childcare. We do not have relatives close by (except those attending the concert) and we are sufficiently antisocial enough so that there is no one we can leave her with. I suggested a cat carrier for Maddy-then we could just keep her in the car while we go to the concert. Michael nixed that idea. Can't imagine why.

We have this problem with movies too. Understand that Michael and I met in a movie theater-in the projection booth no less. We both worked at the theater and saw movies for free constantly. In fact, that's honestly all I remember doing before marriage. We stopped going as much when they stopped being free (read: we got real jobs) and since Maddy has been born I have only seen two movies in the theater.

Which brings me to Superman Returns:

But first I need to make some things clear:

1) Although I like Superman, I am no expert-I've read only a handful of comic books, most from the 60s, a few Jeph Loebs, and an Alan Moore. I think I have seen all of the Superman movies-I even vaguely remember seeing Quest for Peace in the theater in Puerto Rico. Most of my Superman knowledge comes from conversations with Mike. So I might not know what I am talking about.
2) I recognize and appreciate that Superman is hard to do. Superman is a Boy Scout. He is perfect in every way and is therefore not very interesting. His lack of imperfection is the most alien and disconcerting thing about him. Furthermore, he is hard to believe in nowadays. Give me a brooding Batman or a goofy Spider-man any day.
3) I didn't hate the movie. I was just completely not impressed.

Things I did not like about Superman Returns:

-While Brandon Routh did an OK job as Superman, his movement was overdramatic. I think this was the director more than the actor. If I had a drink every time Routh landed and did a 3/4 turn, I would have been drunk an hour into it.
-Lois Lane looked way younger than I do-and she has a five year old and won a Pulitzer? Pulitz-ese.
-Christ imagery. Don't get me wrong, I totally dig this stuff-when it's subtle. I do not appreciate someone beating me over the head with a cross, yelling "Do you get it?!?! We are talking about Jesus!!" The bits with Marlon Brando sending his only son to save the world, the overdramatic fall to Earth in the cross pose, getting stabbed in the side...it was a bit too much. It worked in Spider-man, it worked in The Matrix, it did not work here.
-Singer should have started from the beginning. Really, making Superman 3 twenty-some years after the fact does not work. People need to be reintroducted to Superman, like Raimi did with Spider-man. You need to be reacquainted with his superpowers, his backstory, etc...I saw Superman Returns with my sister-in-law who claimed to have never seen any of the films, read the comic books, did not know anything about Superman. Surely there is more people like her out there and I wonder how the movie sat with them.
-Michael (who did like the movie) says that it did seem to have a lot of baggage. I totally agree. The set was 1930s inspired, the technology futuristic, but there were hints of the 70s all throughout. Overall, I don't think it worked.
-Parker Posey. I didn't think she did a bad job, but I also didn't think her character was needed. This was one of the problems with the old Superman movies-Lex Luthor was not scary. He had the personality of a used car salesman. In this one, Spacey did a great job as Luthor and had the ability to be a great supervillain. However, by acquainting himself with dumb chicks like Posey's character, he diminishes his potential to be a truly challenging villain.
-The Richard character. Does James Marsden realize the only way the writers are going to get out of this bind is by killing him off? Oh well. If I didn't hate Cyclops so much, I might be more sympathetic.

By the way, superhero films I do like? X-Men, X-Men 2, Spider-man, Spider-man 2, Mystery Men (my guilty pleasure), and, the best one of all, Batman Begins.

My sister said I said something really funny about my plants tonight and that I should blog it, but I can't remember what it was, so I won't.

Maddy was playing with something on the floor tonight. It was an ant. I can't win.

All this because I picked a big and ornate mirror?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Monkey See, Monkey Seadoo?

I got to jetski this weekend!

It was great. I didn't kill anyone or myself either, which makes it super-great.

Speaking of super, I also saw Superman. I will go into that at another time. Don't want to get myself worked up before bedtime.